Some thoughts..

When will I know when I’ve found the right man for me? Twice I’ve been mistaken. And twice I thought I found my soulmate.

It hit me hard yesterday, just thinking about how much I had invested in my most recent relationship. I genuinely thought and still do think he was my soulmate. Its just that, soulmates wouldn’t hurt you and run you into the ground on purpose.

I can’t wait to find someone I genuinely click with and get along with. Someone I can trust and tell anything to. Some one who wants to be with me. Because I don’t know how many rejections I can handle. I don’t want to be dumped again. I don’t want to have my heart broken again.

It’s so difficult to try and build yourself up from the rubble of what your life had become and from the future you had planned. It’s been around 2 months now for me. I am able to function in public, nurse my patients well, make friends etc. I can live my life now.

Just sometimes, when I see something that reminds me of him, or a cute couple, or hear/see a romantic story, my gut sinks. I genuinely feel empty. I had so much invested in that relationship. So much in him.I had never loved someone as much as I had loved him, and it just hurts that it was thrown down the fucking drain. I wanted to spend my life with him because he was fucking perfect. So handsome and funny and just amazing.

I know I should be moving on, and I am slowly, I just can’t get over the feeling of betrayal.

It scares me that someone who claimed to love you, and I mean LOVE, could lie to you and hurt you like that. I’m so scared to trust people. I’m scared of meeting new people. I’m so scared of getting my heart broken again, because I truly thought I would never have too again.

On the bus the other day, a man was wearing the cologne he was wearing when I first met him. The man was sitting behind me the whole duration of the drive. The bus was packed and I couldn’t move seats. I was stuck there smelling the scent of the man I used to love for over an hour. I couldn’t stop thinking of how things had changed so much, and how he’s probably moved on already. And how I’m here, still grieving, trying to distract myself all day everyday, and when I run out of stuff, I just sleep because I don’t want to be alone with myself.

I have been trying my damned hardest to do things to make me happy. I changed my room, redecorated, bought new clothes and did my nails. I’ve been doing everything in my power to do stuff to make me happy. I read the secret. I believe so strongly in what you believe, you draw towards you.

I just don’t know what to believe anymore. I’m stuck again.

I know in theory exactly what to do to move on 150%. I could advice everyone on what to do. But, going through it and sorting out your feelings instead of pushing them back like I have, is so hard. You can’t rush it.

I went to my auntie’s house yesterday night. She was telling me how she met my uncle and was telling me how she just knew he was the one for her. And I burst into tears, because I thought I knew. I was so damn sure. We fell in love so fast, and had planned holidays and buying a house together. I was so fucking invested.

I still fucking miss him and its the biggest shame of my life. How can you miss and still care for someone who crushed you and didn’t care? I know I’m invested in what we had. I can’t shake the feeling that we have unfinished business. But its so damn unhealthy.

I’m just having a bit of trouble again.I just needed to vent, get it out there and see if anyone else is feeling like I am.

Thanks for reading,

Naomi

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