So, I needed to vent. I needed to just let out my thoughts and see if anyone else is in the same boat as I am.
I haven’t been doing amazingly in school and after my break-up, I haven’t been feeling to great. I have been doing my best by keeping busy and doing all my assignments and just aiming to stay distracted (there’s only so much Mindy Project a girl can watch…which is all of it. Yes I watched four seasons. Don’t judge me!). It’s really difficult to keep being encouraged to act like everything is okay, and like nothing is wrong. I went to the doctor today and he asked me if everything was well and I laughed and smiled at him and said “Yes!” but then my mother knee-nudged me and said “no she isn’t.” Then I just stopped smiling and was like “yeah I’m not okay.” The doctor now obviously thinks I’m insane.
What I’m trying to say is, the reality of things is that not everything is going to always be okay. You are allowed to have your “off” days. Sometimes we don’t feel motivated and stay on the couch for 72 hours straight (me) doing nothing but mope (me) and watch Netflix (me) and mope more and cry (also me).
I don’t feel like myself and don’t know how to stop loving someone I thought I’d end up with. I know, silly me. He’s out having fun (clubbing btw. He never took me clubbing even though I begged), whilst I’m trying to mend my broken heart with Mindy Kaling and Beyonce. My mum also keeps trying to set me up with a guy from her work (mum it’s been 3 weeks. Cool it, okay?). I’ve been eating chocolate from Easter (it’s almost June) that’s been sitting in the pantry wrapped in baking paper. Yes I regretted it after. And yes I did go back for thirds. But that’s not the point.
I know the reality of now seems bleak. I don’t know what the heck to do with myself. I can’t wait to get over my ex and move on. I don’t know when I’ll even over him. I don’t even know why he dumped me. I don’t know how to even stop caring for him. I have failed assignments and I have no clue why. I literally feel super lost. I realized today that I have been lead on by guys for two years in a row (one year each). Guys who said they loved me and wanted to be with me until 2-3 days before they dumped me. And both over the phone. This obviously hurts my confidence.
But I know things will eventually get better. Heck, they’ll be so good. Perhaps I even started that diet I was talking about beginning when I was like 12 (I was fat you guys. Like a ball). Perhaps I met an amazing man who actually loves me and won’t lead me on and say he wants to be with me and actually means it. I know I’ll be a stronger and better person after I get out of this dump. I’ll know what I want in life and accept nothing less than that. I won’t accept being disrespected and disregarded by people. I won’t let people try to put me in my place and take away who I am, just so that they can feel better about themselves. I won’t let a guy dictate my life and make me lose who I am, and sacrifice everything I have, just so that they can leave me worse off for it. I deserve more than that. And I will get more than that.
Reality is what you make of it. You can’t just sit around all day doing nothing. You have to believe what you want and go for it! Obviously, I’m not saying you’re not allowed to feel bad and have some time to regather yourself and pick up the pieces. That’s what I’m doing right now. I’m just saying that we will all be better for it, after we’ve lived through the shit we’ve been through. And once we are ready, and we are ourselves again; we can go after what we want and make our dreams a reality.
Thanks so much for reading this, feel free to email me or leave a comment and we can chat about what’s going on or how you got over a tough situation you’ve been through. Let’s try and build a little support community where we can empower and uplift one another.